And so, the author writes
by Farmer Jen
Summary: What happens when Jack doesn't farm? Beware strong language; writing now edited
1. And so, the story begins

Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
  
For your reading pleasure, I have removed all author's notes, review thank- you's, and annoying/potentially embarrassing things in general. I've also given it an easier-to-read format. Enjoy.  
  
***  
  
Jack walked into the village, enjoying the autumn leaves on the trees. He wasn't a man of many words, but he was very observant, and the multi-colored leaves fascinated him. Jack had been in this town for three seasons now, and planned on staying for as long as possible. The villagers were nice and accepted him quickly. He had managed to make friends with everyone. The people intrigued him with their diversity, and he found himself spending less time at his farm and more with the community. His farm was overrun with weeds, and filled with boulders from some unknown source. Jack sighed wistfully. He had definitely ruined what was left of Grandpa's farm. He had no idea what happened to the old dog, and often wondered what happened to the horse Ann gave him.  
  
What Jack was really into was art. Sometimes he would spend the entire day in the mountains, painting the lush foliage. He took pictures of the villagers and took them home to paint. He gave these paintings to others, who were always very pleased with his work.  
  
The villagers understood him. They knew that he didn't want to farm, and they didn't pressure him to. They knew how his parents just wanted someone to take on the family business, and his sisters were out of town when the successor was chosen. Jack was the reluctant recipient of the farm, and he loathed his parents for it. He snarled, and thought of what they'd be doing now in the city. His father was most likely fondling some secretary at a business party, and his mother would be sleeping with a fat man with a mohawk. Jack sighed. There was no use being bitter about life, and he'd might as well enjoy the village. He walked on into the village.  
  
He was immediately pounced upon by a wild pink-haired girl. "Jacky Jack!" she cried, hugging him tightly. "I missed you sooooo much! Want me to model for ya? Huh? Do ya? Huh huh huh?"  
  
Jack's face began to turn blue, and he pointed to it. "Oh!" exclaimed the girl. "Sowwy Jack, guess I don't know my own strength."  
  
She sat up, blushing slightly. Jack gulped in air, and laughed. "It's ok, Popuri," he said.  
  
"Yay!" cried Popuri, and hugged him again, but only for a minute. "I model now!"  
  
Jack rubbed the back of his head. "Not now," he said. "I have some stuff to do in town."  
  
"Tonight in my room, then?" asked Popuri hopefully. Jack shook his head, laughing. "Maybe tomorrow," he said.  
  
She sighed and got off of him. "Ok, but you gotta do me tomorrow! Promise?"  
  
"I promise," said Jack, and walked into the bakery.  
  
"Jack!" cried a girl in the bakery, running to him. She had a mass of mop- like brown hair on her head, and wore a blue dress.  
  
Jack sighed. "What now, Elli?" he asked.  
  
"There's a rat in my hair again!"  
  
Jack groaned. "That's the fifth time this week!" he said, exasperated. "And it's only Tuesday! Why don't you cut your hair?"  
  
"Never!" said Elli defiantly. "Now get that rat out of there."  
  
"But-" protested Jack. "NOW." He shrunk back in fear, and quickly located the rat in her hair, tossing it to the floor. It landed in the heap of dead rats that had accumulated in the room.  
  
"Thank you," said Elli sweetly. "Now, GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY BAKERY! BOUNCE!" Elli raised a foot and slammed it in Jack's rear, causing him to land on the pavement outside the shop. He bounced a few times before standing up and rubbing his sore rear. 'PMS,' he thought.  
  
Jack walked into the church to visit the children there. As soon as he walked in, he was attacked.  
  
"Buy me stuff!" cried the boy with brown hair, also known as Kent.  
  
"Answer me!" screamed the boy with black hair, known in many countries as Stu.  
  
"Have sex with me!" shrieked the little black-haired girl, named May.  
  
The pastor smiled at Jack. "Children are wonderful, aren't they?" he asked. Jack nodded. The children started chattering incessantly at him.  
  
"I'm gonna have a big farm when I grow up! You don't have any animals yet! I want a big cow as a wife!" cried Kent  
  
"Why is the sunset red? Will I understand everything when I grow up? Why do you wear that stupid hat all the time?" inquired Stu.  
  
"I want to read so I can send a letter to my mommy. I want a pretty dress. I want to make wild, passionate love to you!" exclaimed May. Jack patted the children on the heads, and walked out, waving to the pastor. May clung to his leg, but Jack didn't even notice.  
  
He headed toward the library, where he planned on getting a book on art. He heard some moaning and giggling from outside the door, and peeked in warily. A girl with a plain blue dress and black hair was making out with a black-haired postman in a blue uniform. A pair of glasses was discarded on the floor. Jack closed the door quickly, making sure to keep it quiet.  
  
"Are Maria and Harris gettin' their freak on in there?" asked May from Jack's leg.  
  
He looked down, startled. "Since when have you been attached to my leg?"  
  
May laughed. "Shall we follow their example, Big Boy?" Jack kicked his leg and sent the girl flying. She landed on the library roof.  
  
**Inside the library**  
  
Maria sat up. "W-what was that?" she asked, clutching Harris.  
  
"Who the fuck cares, bitch?" he said, and pulled her back down. "Gimme some booty before I get mad and kick some librarian ass." They continued with their business.  
  
Jack ran off to the Green Ranch, happy to get away from the pre-pubescent, horny girl. As he walked in, he ran into Gray. "Hey, Gray," said Jack. "How's your day? Ok?"  
  
Gray scowled. "Fine," he said.  
  
"Yay!" replied Jack. "I say, it's a great day. I pray the sun won't go away. Later I'll pay for a fish fillet on the bay, share it with Faye, and shout 'hooray!'. Come my way, and we can lay in the hay and be gay!"  
  
Gray blushed a deep crimson. Jack's eyes widened, startled. "Hey, Gray, not that way! I meant be happy, like a sun's ray. That's all for today." Jack walked away.  
  
He walked into the field, and was instantly surrounded with animals. "Mooooo!" said a girl in the crowd of animals. She had braided orange hair, walked on all fours, and was completely naked.  
  
"Hey, Ann," said Jack. The girl nuzzled his hand. "Good Ann, you look great today!" He patted Ann's head, and she looked up at him with bright blue eyes. He fed her a handful of fodder, and she accepted it. Ann had been one of his best female friends, and still was. Her father and brother had left her alone on the ranch for a season while they went to whore houses in Las Vegas. Two days into their thirty-day vacation, Ann was hit on the head with some plywood from the decaying roof. The intelligent cow of the herd, Biftec, licked her until she woke up. For the remainder of the season, Biftec and the herd taught Ann the Cow Dao, and she soon shed her "human-fur" and became one of them. When her family returned, they were devastated, but eventually got used to it. She now lived in the barn with the other animals, and spent her days grazing in the field. She still knew who Jack was, and gave him all the cow love he deserved.  
  
Dusk fell as Jack finished visiting with his bovine friend. 'Time for my dancing lessons with Karen,' thought Jack. He made his way down to the beach.  
  
Karen was relaxing on the dock, her feet dangling in the water. "Hey," she said, hearing the crunch of sand beneath heavy boots. "Thought you'd never get here."  
  
Jack smiled. "Well, you gonna teach me or what?" he asked.  
  
She got up, smiling. Karen was wearing her usual denim shorts, white shirt, and violet vest. "Let's go," she said, and began her lesson. Jack followed her steps in a trance-like state. Her brown hair flowed around her as she twirled, her blonde bangs contrasting against the brown. Eventually their pace slowed, and they stood together, swaying slightly.  
  
"Jack?" said Karen, staring up into his eyes.  
  
"Hmmm?" asked Jack, staring back into hers. He felt that the emerald pools would engulf him.  
  
"I don't know how to say this, but..."  
  
"What is it, Karen?" he asked. Time stood still. Jack found himself holding his breath, waiting for her words of love that were sure to come.  
  
"You're standing on my foot." Jack fell over, anime style.  
  
"Ok, now you're laying on it," said Karen. Jack felt his face turn hot. He was very happy it was dark.  
  
"Sorry," he said. He stood up and brushed the sand off his clothes.  
  
"You had a weird look in your eyes," said Karen. "What was up with you?"  
  
Jack shrugged. "Just...thinking," he said. He mentally high-fived himself with that great cover-up.  
  
Karen raised an eyebrow, and then shrugged. "Well, I'm off," she said. "'Night."  
  
"'Night," echoed Jack, and watched her form disappear in the darkness. He sighed and rose, heading home for the day. 


	2. And so, Popuri is nude

Jack woke up the next morning and headed for the mountains. He brought an eggplant Popuri had given him, as he wanted do some still life. He looked around for a suitable spot, and decided on the Goddess Pond. The little bridge would make a perfect spot for the eggplant to sit, and the forest around the area would make it stand out. Purple always did seem to show when placed against a brown background. Jack placed the vegetable on the little bridge, pulled out his equipment, and started to paint.  
  
Suddenly, Jack heard a loud rumbling noise behind him. A large boulder was cascading down the mountain! Jack threw himself to one side, avoiding the boulder. He knocked the eggplant into the pond.  
  
A woman rose out of it. She had long, green hair that was pulled to one side and braided, and a semi-transparent white gown. She was obviously the Harvest Goddess. "An offering?" she asked. "Not many people give offerings these days. You must be a very spiritual person. What's your wish?"  
  
A large pink box appeared, floating in midair. It had the words Weather, Strength, and Love printed on it. 'Hmmm,' thought Jack. He noticed that there was an empty space under Love, and got an idea. He took out his paintbrush and painted One Million G there.  
  
"Noth-WHAT?" exclaimed the Goddess angrily. "Where the fuck did that come from?"  
  
"That's my wish," said Jack smugly.  
  
"THAT'S NOT A FUCKIN' CHOICE!" she screeched. Her hair rose around her head, and her eyes glowed an angry red.  
  
Just when Jack thought he was going to be decapitated by an angry Goddess, Popuri burst into the clearing. She held a handful of Pixi Stix and a spatula. "Give Jack his wish!" she said angrily. "I know how to use these!"  
  
The Goddess shrank back in fear. A shower of coins rained down on the clearing. "I'm sorry, O Mighty Pink Thing! I shall give thee a gift for thy mercy!"  
  
Popuri thought for a moment. "I want the necklace from Titanic!" she said, smiling.  
  
"Yes, O Grand Wielder of Pixi Stix!" The necklace appeared around her neck.  
  
"I'd also like an intelligent president that won't screw around with USA's reputation, that can spell potato correctly, and that's NOT from a southern state!"  
  
The Goddess bowed down. "I am sorry, O Great One, but not even I can give you that!"  
  
Popuri shrugged. "Ah well, it was worth a try," she said. "C'mon Jack! I want to pose naked for you with this necklace! It's sooooo romantic!" Jack gathered the rest of his money and followed Popuri out of the clearing.  
  
Three hours later of nude painting on the beach, Popuri went back to the flower shop, and Jack went to visit Ann.  
  
"Hey," said Gray when Jack passed by him.  
  
"Hey, Gray!" replied Jack right away. "How nice to see you today! You look as gay as a jay in May! By the way, have you seen my tray? It's shaped like a sleigh, and it's missing today."  
  
"Nay," said Gray.  
  
"Nay, you say? Oy vey, it's gone away. I'm off to give Ann some hay!"  
  
"Please stay!" said Gray.  
  
"¿Por que?"  
  
"The animals are in a fray," said Gray, "and they're in an array from cows to a Shar Pei. It started as play, but is no longer ok. The donkeys bray, and the horses neigh. This just isn't my day."  
  
"No way! Poor Gray," said Jack, whose thoughts did sway. He would love to stay, but had to sashay with Karen at the bay. "Why not send them away?"  
  
A smile came to Gray. "Brilliant, I say! I'm much stronger than they!" He marched away to save the day.  
  
Jack walked down to the beach. He had decided to have this lesson during the afternoon, as he had had some...unclean...dreams the previous night.  
  
"Hey," said Karen. "Ready?"  
  
Jack flashed a smile. "You bet," he answered. The two twirled until fireflies danced along with them. When they were completely spent, they collapsed on the beach, breathing heavily.  
  
Eventually, Karen turned to Jack. "Jack," she said, "there's something you must know." Jack turned toward her, wondering what it could be.  
  
"Jack...I...I...I..." He stared into the jade orbs that he subconsciously claimed as his own.  
  
Suddenly, those eyes closed. Karen sneezed violently, spraying snot all over him. She sniffed and rubbed her nose. "I 'ave a weely bad cohd, and I cahn't teach you t'morrow." Jack nodded, and wiped some mucus off of his face. "Bye," said Karen, and she walked back home. Jack left a few minutes later, and took a long bath. 


	3. And so, eh?

Jack soaked in his tub for an hour. When he felt that he was devoid of Karen's mucus, he hopped out and checked his clock. 6:00. Who went to bed that early? He went out to take a stroll in the mountains.  
  
The crisp autumn air felt chilly around his slightly damp cheeks, but he went on anyway. Jack strolled to the area behind the carpenter's shed, and looked at the tree near the cave.  
  
"Climb me," said the tree. Jack jumped back and smacked his head on the wall behind him.  
  
"Come on, you know you want to."  
  
"You talk?" asked a bewildered Jack.  
  
The tree gave an exasperated sigh. "No, you dumbass," it said. "If I could talk, don't you think this town would be way more popular? People would come from miles around to see the Amazing Talking Tree, and this stupid little village would be filled with department stores and strip clubs. You're just more tired than you think you are, and hallucinating."  
  
Jack nodded. "I see," he said.  
  
"Now climb me, bitch," said the tree. He shrugged, and climbed up it. There was a new, unexplored area up there!  
  
"Thank you, tree!" called Jack.  
  
"No problem, dumbass!" replied the tree. "Now, stop hallucinating and explore!"  
  
Jack walked around a bit, and climbed a small hill. There, he saw none other than...Popuri?  
  
"What are you doing here?" he asked, baffled.  
  
Popuri spun around in surprise, and her face lit up. "Oh, Jacky!" she exclaimed, hugging him. "It's so nice to see you! You found my secret spot! Now you can do nude paintings of me up here, and we won't have to worry about anybody seeing us!"  
  
Jack ignored her, and looked around at this new area. It was somewhat bare, with only a small bonsai-ish tree and a tiny building.  
  
"What's in there?" he asked, pointing to the building. "Oh," said Popuri, "that's where some old people live. The old man's the only one that ever leaves the house anyway, and all he does is ask people to visit him. Stupid old man. The old woman has such a horrible memory that it doesn't matter if she sees you, as she wouldn't remember it for more than five minutes."  
  
Jack frowned. "You mean she has Alzheimer's? That's horrible!"  
  
Popuri smiled. "No it's not...she meets new people every day!"  
  
Jack raised an eyebrow. The Pink-Haired Wonder smiled at him, and pointed to the nearby cliff.  
  
"See that cliff?" she asked. He nodded warily. "I heard that it's beautiful to see the sunrise there."  
  
Jack checked his watch. "It's only midnight!" he exclaimed. "The sun rises around five!"  
  
Popuri winked. "I'm sure we could find something to do for five hours." Jack's eyes widened, and he ran over to the building. He started pounding his fists against the frail-looking door.  
  
"Let me in! Let me in!" he cried, but to no avail.  
  
"Silly," said Popuri, giggling, "They're sleeping." Jack body-slammed the door, and it fell in. Popuri's mouth made a little O. "You'll have to pay for that!" she said.  
  
Jack climbed inside the little building, and put the door back in the frame behind him. He grabbed a nearby table and propped it against the broken door, successfully blocking it. When he was done, he fell against the door, exhausted.  
  
He heard a noise behind him. "Eh? What was that?" A light brightened the dark room, and Jack was momentarily blinded. When his eyes adjusted in the new light, he looked up. An old couple was sitting on a futon in the middle of the floor. They were only covered by an old, tattered blanket.  
  
"Eh!" said the old man. "A customer!" He was bald, but had a long, white beard. Jack wondered why hair didn't grow in places it was wanted. The old man stood up, and Jack saw that he was wearing a long, brown nightshirt.  
  
"Whatcha want here? Eh, sonny? Eh?" The old woman stood up as the old man said this. She had white hair tied back in a bun, and was wearing a hot pink nightshirt that read "Baby Doll" above a picture of a busty, naked woman. He shook his head in an attempt to clear it.  
  
"I was escaping someone," he said.  
  
The old man nodded thoughtfully. "Eh. I see. Whatcha been escaping, eh, sonny? Eh? Tell an old man, eh?"  
  
Jack thought of a way to put it. "I was escaping an unwanted proposition," he replied.  
  
"Eh!" exclaimed the man. "Were they gonna castrate ya, sonny boy? Eh? Were they gonna chop yer nuts off and feed 'em to the hogs? Eh? Eh?"  
  
Jack was more than a little startled by this. "Uh, no, actually. I was going to be raped..."  
  
"Eh!!!" exclaimed the man, using the dreaded triple exclamation mark. "So they was gonna throw ya in jail, eh? Make ya stamp license plates while gettin' probed from behind? Take away yer innocence and ability to use toilet paper at the same time? Eh? Eh?"  
  
Jack nearly fell backward. "No! I was gonna get raped by a woman outside!"  
  
"Eh?" asked the old man, rather confused. "Why ya runnin' away then, sonny, eh?"  
  
The old woman smacked her husband upside the head. "Shut up!" she said angrily. "If you say 'eh' one more time, I'll chop YOUR nuts off and feed them to the hogs, and then I'll throw you in jail to get probed from behind."  
  
The old man shrank back fearfully. "No, honey! Not again!"  
  
The old woman stared at him blankly. "What?" she asked.  
  
"Eh?" asked the old man.  
  
"Where?" she said back.  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"When?"  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"I'm hungry," said Jack.  
  
The conversation stopped. "I'll get you some dumplings, dear," said the old woman.  
  
"Make three!" the old man called after her. While the two waited for their dumplings, the old man repeatedly shouted "Three!" Jack wondered about this. The old woman returned to the room with one dumpling, which she handed to Jack.  
  
"Three!" pouted the old man.  
  
The old woman looked puzzled. "Three what, dear?" The old man started sobbing.  
  
The old woman shrugged and turned to Jack. "Who are you?"  
  
"Jack," said Jack. She smiled and turned around, heading toward the kitchen. Suddenly she stopped, and she turned to Jack with a perplexed look on her face. "Who are you?" she asked again.  
  
"Jack," replied Jack.  
  
"Ok," said the woman, and went into the kitchen. Jack took a bite of his dumpling. After he swallowed the old woman popped her head out of the kitchen.  
  
"Excuse me, but who are you?" Jack decided that he'd rather be raped by Popuri than face these people any longer, so he left the building without answering her.  
  
Popuri was gone. Jack didn't want to stick around, though, just in case she came back. He walked over to the "talking" tree, and looked for a way to get down. He couldn't reach the tree.  
  
"Hey, tree!" he called angrily. "How do I get down?"  
  
"Still hallucinating, dumbass?" asked the tree. Jack nodded. "You gotta jump."  
  
He looked down. The ground was a long way down. "Hell no!" he cried. "You think I'm crazy?"  
  
"Well," said the tree, "you ARE having hallucinations about a talking tree."  
  
"Oh," said Jack. "I guess that makes sense. But I'm not gonna jump." He checked his watch. 5:59 am. He'd be missed soon enough, and someone would take him down.  
  
Suddenly, he was in his home, eating a rice ball. "How the hell did I get back here?" he said to himself. He felt extremely tired, much more tired than he had been a minute ago. Jack checked the calendar. It was the twelfth.  
  
"The Harvest Festival is today!" he exclaimed. He rushed out of his house and made his way through the overgrown grass, wondering why he was talking to himself so much.  
  
He rushed into town, and dashed to the town square. He had just made it on time. Everyone was there, stuffing their faces with the delicacies set out on the tables. Jack went over and stood next to Karen.  
  
"Hey," she said through a mouthful of corn. "'Sup?" She sprayed bits of her food onto his face.  
  
"Nothin'" said Jack, wiping the kernels off. He reached for some of the chow on the table, but an invisible barrier blocked his hands. Suddenly, Elli appeared in the square. She had both hands behind her back. Jack walked over to talk to her since he couldn't get any munchies.  
  
She smiled. "Jack, can I ask you for a favor?"  
  
"Sure," he said, hoping there wasn't another rat in her hair.  
  
"Will you dance with me today? I would dance with the bakery owner, but he got sick." 'Maybe it was because of that poisonous herb I put in his tea,' thought Elli.  
  
Jack looked at Karen, who had heard the conversation. She had been giving him dance lessons for this festival, and he didn't want her to think he was ungrateful. She nodded her consent, secretly jumping for joy that she didn't have to dance with him. He kept staring at her, and it was a bit unnerving.  
  
Jack turned back to Elli. "Sure," he said. She brightened.  
  
"Thank you so much! Oh, I almost forgot!" she brought a cake out from behind her back, leaving the other hand there. "If there's a coin in the cake, then you're the next Festival King!" Jack found this highly unlikely, and shoved the entire thing in his mouth.  
  
Jack sputtered. Something was blocking his throat, and he couldn't breathe. He pounded his stomach with a fist, and pointed to his throat. "Oh my Goddess!" cried somebody in the crowd. "He's choking!"  
  
The village medicine shop owner happened to be trained in CPR, and he came up behind Jack and began to save his life. Elli watched in fear, and gobbled up the other, coinless cake she had had in her hand. The coin came flying out of Jack's mouth, landing on the ground before him.  
  
"Jack is the new king!" shouted the anonymous person. The crowd started chanting. "Hail King Jack! Long live the king!"  
  
"Let me rephrase that," said the anonymous person. "Jack is the new Festival King."  
  
"Oh," said the crowd simultaneously. They sounded slightly disappointed.  
  
"Let the dancing begin!" said the Mayor, a short man with a large red nose that rivaled Rudolph's. Elli grabbed Jack and started to dance. She was actually quite light on her feet, even with twenty pounds of hair on her head. The square was soon full of dancing couples, and they danced late into the night. Jack collapsed on his bed as soon as he got home, too tired to even think. 


	4. And so, I am sexually harassed by a tran...

Karen felt a rustle beside her in her bed. "Karen, Karen," called a voice softly.  
  
She opened one eye, and looked blindly into the dark. "Whuzzat?" she asked, a little pissed at being woken up in the middle of the night. She felt hands moving along her body.  
  
"Karen, I love you!" said the voice.  
  
Karen's other eye popped open. "Kai?" she asked incredulously.  
  
"Yes!" replied the voice. "I've always loved you!"  
  
Karen felt her eyes watering with joy. "Oh, Kai!" she exclaimed. She ran her hands through the man's dark hair, kissing him deeply. How she had loved those brown eyes, that tan skin. It was now all hers! She tugged gently at his hair. The soft mass came off in her hands. It was a wig! Karen's eyes adjusted to the darkness, and she looked at the man in front of her. He was extremely pale, with curly black hair that stood out against his skin color. He seemed to be wearing makeup, as his full lips were an unnatural red.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Karen. "Who the hell are you?"  
  
The man laughed, and stood up on her bed. He was wearing a skimpy little outfit made of leather. "Why," he replied, "I'm just a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania!"  
  
Karen raised an eyebrow. "No, no; I want your name."  
  
"Oh," said the man, sounding slightly disappointed. "I'm Dr. Frank N Furter."  
  
Karen's rage rose. "Well, you're sure as hell not Kai!"  
  
Dr. Frank N Furter lay back onto Karen, kissing her. "Yes," he said, "but isn't it nice?"  
  
Karen pushed him away violently. "No! It's not! Get the fuck out of my bedroom!"  
  
The sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania dashed out of Karen's room, shouting, "Rocky, Rocky! Where are you?"  
  
The next morning, Karen ran to find Jack. He was strong for an artist, and he could keep her safe from Dr. Frank N Furter. That idiot thought she liked him, and she knew he'd protect her. He'd also do it for free. Karen grinned as she ran onto his farm. Then, she figured that a grin wouldn't make her look like much of a damsel in distress, so she made herself cry for a scared effect.  
  
"Jack! Oh, Jack!" Jack opened his arms as she ran up to him, and she sobbed on his shoulder.  
  
'Sucker,' she thought. 'He's buying it. I'm really happy he's not a real farmer, or he'd be too stinky to hug and he'd have really bad BO.'  
  
"What's wrong, Karen?" asked the Sucker-erm, Jack.  
  
"I'm being stalked by a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania!"  
  
Jack's mouth widened in surprise. "Really?" he asked. "How do you know that?"  
  
"He told me last night."  
  
Jack gasped. "Last...last night?" he asked somewhat nervously.  
  
Karen smacked him. "You idiot," she said, exasperated, "we didn't do anything. He came in my room and tried to get in my pants, but I made him leave."  
  
Jack let out a relieved breath. "Do you want me to protect you, Karen?" he asked.  
  
Karen smiled, looking as grateful as she could. "Would you do that for me?" she asked, adding moistness to her eyes.  
  
Jack hugged her tightly. "Of course I would," he said.  
  
'He's so sweet,' thought Karen. 'It almost makes me feel bad.' She mentally shrugged. 'Ah well.'  
  
The embrace ended. "You'll have to stay in my house," said Karen. "You don't mind leaving here, do you?"  
  
Jack looked around at his sorry excuse for a farm. "Not at all," he replied. The two walked back to Karen's house, avoiding the remnant of a truck in the overgrown weeds of Jack's yard.  
  
***  
  
"Did I ask for a decaf latte with whipped cream and mocha sprinkles?" demanded Karen. "NO! I asked for a decaf latte with whipped cream and CHOCOLATE sprinkles! What's your PROBLEM?"  
  
Jack threw the coffee on the floor, sick of her. He had been her bodyguard for over three hours, and all she really wanted was a servant to lick her boots! "I'm SICK of this, Karen!" he yelled. "You're just a spoiled brat!"  
  
Karen's face turned red with fury. "I am NOT a spoiled brat!" she retorted. "I'm just practicing for when I'm a famous dancer! I NEED to be like this!"  
  
Jack smacked her. "What's your problem?" he screamed. "You shouldn't be such a bitch!"  
  
Karen gasped in indignation. "Me? A bitch? You're just a lazy bastard with Alzheimer's!"  
  
Jack snarled. "Ok, bitch!" he challenged. "Bring it!" With that, the two leapt at each other and started beating the crap out of one another, biting, scratching, and tearing out hair. Suddenly-  
  
Authoress: AHHHHH! Who are you?! What do you want with me?  
  
Voice: It's me! Paul! I need to tell you...Farmer Jen, I love you!  
  
Authoress: Uh, you know, I find that really disturbing.  
  
"Paul": Why? I know you wanted to take me to Homecoming...I know you want me! Let's make love!  
  
Authoress: "Make love"? Um, you only see me on the bus...why the sudden raging of hormones?  
  
"Paul": Why do you care? Look at me! Aren't I wonderfully hot? Let's go at it!  
  
Authoress: *looks closer* Hey! You're not Paul!  
  
"Paul": Yes, but isn't it nice?  
  
Authoress: *gasp* Dr. Frank N Furter!  
  
Dr. Frank N Furter: Yes! It is I, the sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania!  
  
Authoress: Damn! I wanted Paul...What are you doing here?  
  
Dr. Frank N Furter: I am here to t-t-t-t-t-t-touch you!  
  
Authoress: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Strange Voice: Mwa ha ha ha ha ha! Now that Authoress is being sexually assaulted by Dr. Frank N Furter, I can take over the story and make it into some trashy romance thing! MWA HA HA HA HA HA!  
  
Suddenly, Karen and Jack stopped fighting. "Oh, Jack," said Karen softly, brushing a stray lock of hair back from his bruised face, "I'm so sorry. I've seen the error of my ways."  
  
Jack looked into her jade orbs, and tenderly brushed his lips against hers. "My darling," he murmured, his lips moving gently against her skin, "I love you. We must stop fighting, as it can only make us unhappy. Let us love one another now."  
  
"But, Jack," Karen protested. Tears of deep regret formed in her eyes. "I am to be a famous dancer, and you're just a bodyguard."  
  
Jack embraced her tightly, and she wept on his muscular shoulder. "I know, I know," he replied, gingerly wiping away her tears. "Let us make love now, and forget all of our sorrows."  
  
Karen gazed into Jack's eyes. "I love you," she whispered. Jack's hands ran along her arms, slowly drawing off her shirt-  
  
Authoress: *punches the owner of the strange voice* Yes! I finally got rid of that freaky transvestite from transsexual Transylvania! Just in time, too, as it looks like the rating was about to change. Let's see...not too much damage...OH NO! Jack and Karen are in love! *takes out the Big Book of Rules for Authors and flips to the section called What to do When Evil Romance Novelists Use Sweet Transvestites from Transsexual Transylvania to Distract You While They Sabotage Your Fic* I can't undo that! They're just going to have to be in love! Damn. Ah well, back to the story.  
  
Karen slapped him across the face. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" she asked, pulling her shirt back on.  
  
Jack looked a little hurt. "You heard the author," he said. "We're in love!"  
  
So?" asked Karen. "Just because we're in love doesn't mean you get to get in my pants!"  
  
Jack pouted. "Awww," he said. "Why not?"  
  
Karen shook her head. "Just stop trying," she said. Suddenly, Karen's mother rushed up into her room.  
  
"Guess what!" she cried. "Karen, you just won a free trip to Hollywood to star in a movie!"  
  
"Really?" squeaked an excited Karen. "OH MY GODDESS!!!!!!!" The window in Karen's room broke from the extreme loudness or the scream. "When do I go?"  
  
"Right now!" replied her mother. Karen grabbed a nearby suitcase labeled 'For use in case of sudden Superstardom' and dashed off to the beach. Jack ran off after her.  
  
"Karen!" he cried. "Wait for me!"  
  
They got to the beach just as the sun was setting. Karen was about to get on the boat that had conveniently appeared when she needed it, but she turned around for one last look at Flowerbud Village before she got on. Much to her surprise, she saw Jack, and suddenly remembered that she was in love with him.  
  
"Jack!" she cried. She ran down to hug him. She seemed to be oblivious to the fact that Jack was gasping like a beached fish, and that her squeezing didn't help much. He sucked in deep breaths, trying to regain his composure.  
  
Karen saw his body shaking, and figured he was crying in grief at her departure. "Here, Jack!" she said. "I'll sing you a song!" She thought of something to sing to him, and thought of a part of a song she knew.  
  
"Well, I hope...life...treats you right. And I hope...you get what you...dream oooooOooOoof. And I wish-a you joy! And happine-e-ess. But above all this, I wish yooooou looooOoooOove!"  
  
Jack knew what was coming. He was extremely scared. Karen could dance beautifully, and he loved watching her do that. Unfortunately, she couldn't sing to save her life. He wanted to shout, "No, Karen! No! For the love of the Goddess, NO!!!"  
  
He tried to say it. He tried his hardest, but all that came out was "Karen..."  
  
"AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU! I WILL ALWAAAYS LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!"  
  
Jack passed out, and fell into a coma. His last thought before he lost consciousness was that most of the nearby fish in the sea would be dead after that. 


	5. And so, life is a Cabaret!

Jack awoke from his coma three months later. His eyes scanned the ceiling above him. It wasn't his house, though that too smelled strangely of Eau de Cow. He sat up straight and looked around. Stalls lined the wall to his right, and a metal fodder dispenser was on his left. Stray bits of hay were scattered on the floor. All was quiet except for the sound of distant mooing.  
  
Jack looked down at himself. He was wearing a skimpy purple lingerie outfit, lined with lacy black frills. He sighed. He couldn't take it off, or he'd be butt naked.  
  
"Mooooo," said a voice directly in front of him. Startled, Jack fell backward, eyes looking at the ceiling once more.  
  
"Moo?" inquired the voice. He looked up. Ann's blue eyes were looking at him, filled with a strange tenderness.  
  
Jack laughed, embarrassed at being afraid of his bovine friend. "Hey there," he said, petting her nose softly. Ann licked his hand, leaving a big trail of slobber on it.  
  
"Moo!" exclaimed Ann.  
  
Jack wiped his moist hand on his lingerie. "Good girl," he said.  
  
Suddenly, Gray walked into the barn. "Hey, Gray, what's up today?"  
  
"Hey," said Gray. "I'm giving Ann hay. What's with the lingerie?"  
  
"No sé. I'd like to throw away this negligee, but I'd be naked as a jay."  
  
"No way!" giggled Gray. "By the way, have you seen Cabaret?"  
  
"Nay, Gray."  
  
"Oy vey, you must see it today! It's so nice to hear the music segue! It's the very best play!"  
  
"Ok."  
  
"Yay!" replied Gray. "Ann, here's your hay. I must be on my way. Don't be an etranger!" He went away.  
  
Jack looked at Ann, who was steadily chewing her cud. He couldn't help but notice that she had very nice teats. He blushed and turned away. Karen couldn't have been gone that long, and he was already thinking about another girl. And a cow, for that matter!  
  
"I have to go," he said to Ann. "Bye."  
  
Jack left the area, and went back to his farm. Something seemed wrong to him. He looked around, and finally realized what it was. Love was in the air, and it wasn't just the aphrodisiacs that many girls used as perfume.  
  
"IT'S SUMMER!!!"  
  
Jack ran around in circles, screaming like a little girl. He must have been out for quite a while, as his most recent memories were in autumn. Suddenly, Maria, Popuri and Elli came dancing up to him. They were dressed in little black outfits with cat ears on the tops of their heads, and were kicking higher than humanly possible.  
  
"What the hell?" Jack was extremely disturbed.  
  
"We're the Kit Kat Klub dancers!" they said. Then Jack saw somebody he thought he'd never see again.  
  
"Karen!" he cried.  
  
She was in an outfit not unlike those of the girls, and sitting on a little swing being held up by a helicopter. She seemed a bit oblivious to Jack's loving cries, and looked at him somewhat hungrily.  
  
"Mama," she said, "thinks I'm living in a convent. A secluded little convent, in the southern part of France."  
  
Maria, Elli and Popuri giggled. "Mama," Karen continued, "doesn't even have an inkling that I'm working in a night club, in a pair of lacy pants." The girls started dancing again, and Karen started to sing. This time, though, she sounded really good.  
  
"So please, sir, if you run into my mama, don't reveal my indiscretion, give a working girl a chance..." A chair had been lowered down from the helicopter as she sang this, and now Karen started to do a chair dance.  
  
"Hush up, don't tell Mama, shush up, don't tell Mama, don't tell Mama whatever you do!"  
  
A voice interrupted Karen. "Cut, cut!" it said. Karen made an aggravated sound and stomped her foot, looking up at a man in the helicopter.  
  
"What now?" she asked.  
  
"You have to kick with your right leg, not your left one!"  
  
Karen pouted. "But in the choreography for Grease, I have to kick with my left one! It's SO CONFUSING!!!"  
  
The man in the helicopter sounded really angry now. "Go tell your mummy, then!"  
  
Karen's face reddened. "Don't tell Mama!" she screamed, and stomped off to the vineyard. Jack made to go after her, but the Kit Kat girls were in his way.  
  
"Hey!" called the man in the helicopter. "You, guy in the lingerie! Would you be interested in being the Master of Ceremonies?" Jack looked up at him quizzically. "You'd make a great Emcee!" shouted the man. "I mean, all we have to do is put some makeup on you, and there you go!" Jack ran to his farm as fast as his legs could carry him.  
  
Once he was inside his house, Jack slumped down on his bed, exhausted. He was happy to be safe from those strange people that wanted to cast him in Cabaret. He looked up at the ceiling. A blonde man was stuck to his roof, smiling down at him. Jack screamed. Then he noticed the swastika armband on the man. He screamed again.  
  
"I sing pretty patriotic Nazi song, ja?" said the man on his roof.  
  
"No!" cried Jack. "No ja!"  
  
"Why not?" asked the man. "Tomorrow belongs to me!" He started to sing a very pretty song, but Jack didn't stick around to listen. He didn't think it was so pretty now that he knew its origin.  
  
Jack dashed to the mountaintop. The old people would have to be sane. He ran inside the little restaurant, closing the door behind him.  
  
"Eh!" exclaimed the old man. "Wilkommen, bienvenue, welcome!"  
  
Jack's eyes widened. "AHHH!" he screamed. The old woman was in a Kit Kat Klub outfit, and the old man was in some lingerie and had a LOT of makeup on.  
  
"NOOOOO!" cried Jack. The old man tossed a pineapple at his head and laughed maniacally as Jack ran away, the pineapple's spiky top clinging to his hat. He tried to go home, but tripped on a tree root at the top of the cliff. Jack fell, arms flailing crazily.  
  
Luckily for him, he fell in the Goddess's pond. The Goddess rose from the pond, holding Jack in her arms.  
  
"An offering?" she asked. "Not many people give-what the fuck?" Nobody was in sight. The Goddess looked down at her offering, and noticed who it was. "Oh man, not you again."  
  
She smacked Jack across the face, leaving a big red hand mark on his face. "Wha?" Jack frowned and opened his eyes.  
  
They widened at the sight of the bitchy Goddess. "I-uh-uh..."  
  
The Goddess dropped him on the little bridge next to her pond. "Ok, jackass," she said. "You woke me up, so where's my present?" Jack looked around frantically. He saw the pineapple lying next to him, and since he had nothing better, he handed it over to the Goddess.  
  
"A pineapple?" she asked incredulously. "For me?" Her eyes twinkled, and she began to sing. "If you bought me diamonds...if you bought me pearls...if you bought me flowers like some other gents might bring to other girls...it couldn't please me more than the gift I see...a pineapple for me!"  
  
Jack was suddenly possessed by the singing demon. "If in your emotion, you begin to sway...go to get some air or grab a chair to keep from fainting dead away...it couldn't please me more than to see you cling...to the pineapple...I bring!" They went into a series of "ahh's" and started dancing. Then, the lights on the stage went out, and the audience clapped. Jack woke up. 


	6. And so, I give a new perspective

Stu woke up from a happy little dream about sunshine and rainbows, and where they came from. He somehow seemed to understand everything in his dreams, but he forgot it when he woke up. It was so frustrating! If only he could know everything, the world would be perfect. Stu sighed. Why must everything be so confusing?  
  
He sat up and stretched. As he opened his mouth to yawn, a force tasting of pillow smacked him full in the face.  
  
"Ha ha! You were drooling on your pillow again, Stu!" Stu frowned, and his eyes narrowed. He didn't like being hit in the face with a pillow first thing in the morning, especially by his brother Kent.  
  
"At least I wasn't doing what YOU do before bed!" Kent blushed. Stu didn't know exactly what Kent was doing, but as long as it embarrassed his annoying elder, all was well.  
  
"Fuck off!" screamed Kent, whacking Stu's head with the pillow again. "I know who you were drooling about too, Stu. May! My Goddess, can't you pick somebody with BOOBS? Like Ann...I really wanna milk those teats..." He started making little gestures as if he were milking a cow.  
  
Stu raised an eyebrow. Kent snapped out of his sick little milking fantasy and shook his head. "Anyway," he said, "you really need to find a girl a bit more...mature."  
  
"But why?" asked Stu. "You say yourself all the time that I'm not mature." As he said this, Stu started to wonder what "mature" meant.  
  
Kent shook his head and sighed, putting his hand on his naïve little bother's shoulder. "Stu, you're hopeless." With that, Kent pushed Stu off the bed and ran out of the room laughing.  
  
Stu pulled himself up off the floor. Sometimes he really hated his brother. Kent never answered his questions and he always teased him mercilessly. "Stu!" called a voice from the other room. "Breakfast!"  
  
"Coming, Grandpa!" The small boy walked into the other room and sat down at the table. He stared at the green sludge in the bowl in front of him.  
  
"Uh, Grandpa?" he asked tentatively. "What is this stuff?"  
  
The old man laughed, and Stu noticed that some of the so-called breakfast was smudged on his red robes. "It's my new invention! Herb O's, the tasty breakfast cereal that replenishes your energy! And lactose intolerant people can eat it, too, as all you have to do is add water!"  
  
Stu stuck out his tongue and pushed the bowl away. "Aw, come on, boy! I need you to eat this!"  
  
Kent nudged him and whispered in his ear. "In other words, he needs to test his new drugs on us."  
  
"Kent!" scolded Grandpa. "I heard that!"  
  
Kent grabbed Stu's wrist and pulled him up. "Let's go get some cake from Elli," he said. "It's gotta be better than this Herb O's crap." For once, Stu completely agreed with his brother.  
  
When the two boys got outside, they heard strange noises coming from behind the house. Upon investigating further, they found a stray dog in the process of rutting with their sweet little girl dog.  
  
"Dude!" exclaimed Kent. "Dog porn!" He watched with fascination, and started to do that strange thing he did at night and sometimes during church. Stu had grown used to it. He was much more interested in the wild- looking dog that was sitting on top of their dog. Something clicked in his mind.  
  
"Hey!" he said happily. "That's the stray dog that used to be Jack's!" Then Stu's curiosity stirred. "What's Jack's dog doing to our dog?"  
  
Kent was too busy jacking off to answer his brother, and a little pissed that he was still there. "Fuck off, Stu!" he said, and went on with his business.  
  
Stu was mad. He just wanted his question answered! "Well, well...um..." he searched for a good comeback, and decided to turn Kent's around. "Well Kent, you can just fuck on!" With that, he stomped away, oblivious to the fact that Kent was doing exactly what he told him to do.  
  
Stu went into the bakery and smacked right into Elli. "What's wrong, Stu?" she asked. The boy was never this angry. Stu looked around to see if Kent or May were around, and then he burst into tears and hugged Elli tightly.  
  
"Kent was..." He sought for the word Kent had once used to describe that strange thing he did. "Kent was master debating, and he told me to fuck off!"  
  
Elli was extremely tempted to smile, but she kept her face looking sympathetic. "What did you tell him?" she asked.  
  
"I told him to fuck on!" Elli couldn't hold it in anymore, and she fell to the floor laughing. Stu got really angry at this. Why didn't anyone take him seriously? He looked for something vulgar to say to Elli.  
  
"Go milk Ann's teats!" he shouted, and stamped away. All he could hear as he left were Elli's shrieks of laughter.  
  
The boy ran up to the mountains and found refuge in the cave. "Ello- hay, Confused-boy!"  
  
Stu turned around. "Hi, Bob," he responded sadly. He wasn't very happy at the moment, and he didn't really think the harvest sprite would help.  
  
"Confused-boy have hard day?" asked Bob. Stu nodded.  
  
Bob cocked his head in thought. Then he got an idea, and a little light bulb flashed above his head. "Oops," said Bob. He reached up and switched the light bulb off, and turned back to Stu. "Bob have perfect thing for Confused-boy!" the sprite exclaimed. He reached in his pocket and pulled out a little tuft of grass. Stu looked at it quizzically.  
  
"That's just a weed," he said, obviously disappointed.  
  
"Not just any weed," said Bob. "If Confused-boy roll it up in paper, set it on fire, and breathe it, he see things nobody else ever see!" Stu laughed and took the weed happily. Now he'd understand everything!  
  
***  
  
While Stu was off getting stoned with the Harvest Sprite, May was becoming frantic with worry. Stu was supposed to meet up with her at the bakery, but he never showed up! That was really unlike him. He would never pass up the opportunity for cookies at ten AM. What was going on?  
  
May tried to ask Kent what was going on, but he was way too busy moving his hand around in his pants-he did that a lot, especially during church, and May had learned from experience not to bother him while he was doing it or to ask him why he was moaning like that. When she asked their grandpa, all he did was give May a bowl of nasty, mushy green stuff he called Herb-O's. The girl walked all over town in search of her best friend, but he was nowhere in sight. She had just about given up, when she thought to ask her buddy Gray.  
  
May went to find Gray, but felt dismay when she found that he was away. She decided to check the bay. She found her friend Gray, who was watching the ocean sway and chewing a piece of hay.  
  
"Hey, Gray," said May.  
  
"Hey, May," said Gray.  
  
"What brings you to the bay?" asked May.  
  
"I'm digging for clay."  
  
"¿Por que?" asked May.  
  
"No sé," replied Gray. "I thought I'd make Jack a new tray. He lost his the other day. It was shaped like a sleigh."  
  
"A sleigh tray, you say?" inquired May. "Elli had one just today! She's using it to serve cookies, Gray. She must pay!"  
  
"You don't say," said a pensive Gray. "I don't think Elli stole the tray. Maybe Jack didn't put it away."  
  
"I say!" exclaimed May. "He might've dropped the tray on the way to see Cabaret. Then Elli took it away from the play, so she could bake later that day!"  
  
"Hooray!" exclaimed Gray. "Now Jack can get his tray, and all will be ok!" Gray was as cheerful as a sun's ray. He started to do some ballet. May remembered that Stu had gone astray, and asked Gray if he'd seen him today.  
  
"Sorry, May," replied Gray. "I've been at the bay all day."  
  
"Oy vey," sighed May. "I'll go find him right away. Bye, Gray!"  
  
"Good luck, May!" replied Gray. "Ja ne!"  
  
May walked to the crossroads, where she noticed Kent laughing over a piece of paper. "Whatcha lookin' at?" asked May.  
  
Kent looked up and scowled at her. "Nothing you'd understand, dummy."  
  
May put her hands on her hips and frowned. "I would too understand it!"  
  
Kent still refused to tell her. May jumped on his back and started to beat his head with a large rock. "Tell me tell me TELL MEEEEEEEE!"  
  
Kent pushed her off, rubbing a rather large lump on his head. "Ok, you dumb bitch," he said. He held out the paper to her. On it was a picture of a white guy with a Rasta hat. The fake dreads on it hung down to his waist, and it seemed that there was a cat attached to his face. A caption beneath the picture read, "Too much herb."  
  
May raised an eyebrow. "I don't get it," she said.  
  
Kent scowled at her. "Yo mudda scunt," he said, and turned away from her. May took this as a sign to leave.  
  
May skipped up to the mountain, where she ran straight into Maria. "What the fuck?" shouted the usually quiet librarian. "You little bitch!"  
  
Maria took a spatula out of her pocket and knocked May in the head with it, sending her flying into the fisherman's pond. May panicked, as she couldn't swim.  
  
"Help!" she screamed, being the idiot that she is. Her mouth was filled with water, and she started choking. Then, two hands grabbed her where her breasts would be if she had any and hauled her up to the surface. May spit out the water she had been choking on, and turned to face her savior. It was a green, imp-like creature.  
  
"Why girl no have tits?" it asked sadly. The creature sighed, and threw her to the land. "Come drown in pond after be size DD. Or at least A." With that, the imp sank back into its pond.  
  
May looked around, confused. Then she saw a little head full of black hair. "Stu!" she exclaimed. The girl ran to her friend.  
  
Stu looked up at her and smiled, holding out a slightly bent plastic tube. "Hello, pretty no-boob crab. I found you a snorkel. Rugby!" Then Stu passed out. May took the snorkel, put it in her pocket, and dragged Stu home, thinking about happy ponies and rainbows. 


	7. And so, Kerstin's an albino

Jack blinked rapidly, pushing away the strange dream he'd had of some local Cabaret. It seemed that a lot of things happening to him had to do with musicals and songs by Whitney Houston. It was getting very disturbing, and he hoped it ended soon.  
  
Jack sat up and crawled out of bed. Suddenly, he realized that he was completely naked! Where had his boxers gone? He looked around a bit, and then checked his underwear drawer. All of his underwear was gone! Even the purple briefs with neon pink triangles his mommy had sent him were missing.  
  
Jack groaned. "Damn curse," he muttered. His grandfather had been cursed when he was young to always have missing boxers. The curse seemed to last for quite a while, as all men of the next two generations had used pillowcases for some support. Jack sighed, and began to talk to himself.  
  
"I really don't wanna wear a pillow case," he said. "I think I should just put a towel around my waist and go up to the hot springs that shouldn't be built yet because it's only summer, but the authoress is out of ideas and needs the springs to be there for her own purposes." With that, the naked man wrapped a big fluffy towel around his waist and strolled up to the mountains.  
  
The first person he saw there was Popuri. "Ooh!" she screamed. "Sexy farmer/artist/thing!" She started to drool. "What's under the towel, baby?" Popuri leaped at Jack and grabbed the edge of his fluffy towel.  
  
"No!" shouted Jack, fighting to keep his towel on. Popuri got another idea, and reached under the towel before Jack could intervene. She grabbed the Thing Under The Towel, and her eyes widened in surprise. So did Jack's.  
  
"Popuri, no!" he squeaked. "Put that down! It's not a toy!" Popuri didn't listen, but kept a firm grasp on the Thing and started to squeeze. Jack didn't dare move, as she could dig her nails in at any time. Besides, it wasn't unpleasant, but quite the opposite.  
  
Just as Jack gave in and began to enjoy it, Popuri jumped up and removed her hand. Bob the Harvest Sprite was standing behind her, grinning roguishly.  
  
"Nice ass," he commented. Popuri stood up.  
  
"How dare you pinch my ass!" she shouted.  
  
Bob shook his head, still smiling. "Farmer-man not interested in Pink- whore," he said. "Pink-whore can give Bob hand job tonight, but now Bob need Farmer-man for drinking buddy."  
  
Popuri sighed. "Ok then," she said reluctantly. "Meet me at the beach at seven." She skipped away down the mountain.  
  
"Thanks, Bob," said Jack. The gratitude wasn't very heartfelt. "I don't have any booze on me, though."  
  
"It's ok, Farmer-man," replied the Harvest Sprite. He held up a six-pack of Sammy Light. "Let's go chill in springs. Jack nodded in agreement.  
  
When the two drinking buddies got to the hot springs, there was already somebody in them. A fat, balding man somewhat resembling a monkey was swimming in circles and giggling.  
  
"Me like cheese! Me no tease! Me say please! Me do Happy Walnut Dance!" The monkey man got out of the pond and started to shake his naked booty. He sang a little ditty to the tune of the Hungry Hungry Hippo commercial song.  
  
"Happy Happy Wal-nut! Happy Happy Wal-nut!" With that, he collapsed and started giggling like a stereotypical anime schoolgirl. "Behold my power! I am Snork!"  
  
Bob looked at Jack. "Farmer-man help Bob roll strange thing down hill?" Jack nodded. The two rolled the fat monkey man partway down the hill. They let him go at a point where the hill was steep enough to make the man roll down by himself.  
  
"Snork will get revenge!" cried the man when he reached the bottom of the hill and spat out a mouthful of dirt. "Snork will molest your platypuses and masticate your seagull!" Jack and Bob ignored the man and traveled back up to the hot springs.  
  
A pale girl with fading purple hair and a shirt reading "I Love Devon" sat on a rock near the springs, playing a guitar. She was pretty good, so Jack took a Sammy Light from Bob and popped it open, listening to the girl.  
  
"I have no pigment," she sang. Jack put the bottle to his lips, about to take his first sip. "I need sunscreen-"  
  
The girl's singing was interrupted by Jack's ecstatic screaming. "Sweet nectar of life!" he shouted. "BOO YAAAH!" The girl hit a wrong cord and sent the guitar flying into the hot springs.  
  
"YE-AH!" Jack stopped shouting and looked around. "Uh, sorry," he said lamely.  
  
"Fuck you," said the girl.  
  
"Setsuna!" shouted Bob.  
  
"Bob!" shouted the girl. They ran to hug each other.  
  
"Humans no live as long as Sprites!" said Bob. "Why Pallid-slut still live? Or not be old?"  
  
Setsuna laughed. "It's my albino powers, honey," she said. "I'll never die because I'm just so damn pale!"  
  
Bob nodded. "This true. Pallid-slut almost make Bob go blind from giving strip-show with lights on. Bob had turn lights off for keep eyesight. Pallid-slut glow in dark."  
  
Setsuna laughed and purred at Bob. "That's me!" she said proudly.  
  
Jack raised an eyebrow. "You two slept together?" he asked.  
  
"Of course!" she shouted. "Bob and I are similar! We sleep with every member of the opposite sex we can meet!"  
  
A dark grin appeared on her face. It was really conspicuous because she was so pale. "How about you and me have a little fun?"  
  
Jack swallowed. "Um..." he said nervously.  
  
Bob cut in. "Farmer-man virgin," he explained.  
  
"Oh," said Setsuna. She shrugged. "There's a first time for everything, right? Let's make out."  
  
"I can't," said Jack, sounding very disappointed.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
Jack twiddled his thumbs. "I...don't know how."  
  
Setsuna stared at him incredulously. "You mean you've never made out before?" she asked. Jack shook his head. "What are you, a male Virgin Mary? Virgin Jack!"  
  
Jack raised an eyebrow. "How do you know my name?" he asked. "Bob never introduced us."  
  
Setsuna laughed again. "It's my albino powers, darling," she said. "I know everyone's name."  
  
Jack shrugged. "Ok," he said.  
  
"Wanna see my type of guy?" Setsuna asked, turning to Bob. Without waiting for an answer, she took a photo album full of pictures of a guy with blue hair out of her bag, which rested near the rock.  
  
"Look!" she exclaimed. "Isn't he hot?"  
  
Bob looked at the guy. "He look like blue pom-pom attack head and stay there."  
  
Setsuna growled. "You have no taste in guys," she said, and closed the album.  
  
"That good thing," said Bob. "Bob like girls. No want taste in guys."  
  
Setsuna shrugged. "Suit yourself," she said. "I'm Bi."  
  
Jack was getting very uncomfortable, and he didn't want to see where this conversation led. "Let's get in the springs while the water's hot, guys!" he exclaimed happily.  
  
Setsuna raised an eyebrow. "They're sulfur springs, you dildo. They're always hot. Speaking of which..." she started to reach into her bag for something. Jack's eyes widened. "Speaking of nothing!" he said, and jumped into the springs, pulling her in with him.  
  
Setsuna's hair magically turned into a bun on top of her head, even though her hair was too short to do anything with. Bob climbed into the springs on the other side of them, sipping a Sammy Light and watching them flirt.  
  
"Want me to rub your back?" Setsuna asked Jack seductively. He blushed.  
  
"No thanks," he replied.  
  
"How about your shoulders?" she tried.  
  
"No, it's ok," Jack said.  
  
"Your neck?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Your elbows?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Your eyes?"  
  
"I think not."  
  
"Your esophagus?"  
  
"..."  
  
"Is that a yes?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Your ankles?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Your lower calf muscles?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Your inner thigh?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Your Thing Once Under a Towel?"  
  
Here, Jack became sorely tempted. "Um..." he said, thinking hard. He rather enjoyed Popuri's invasion of his privacy, and Bob broke it off just as Jack was about to reach that thing he could only previously reach with himself.  
  
Two little Jacks appeared on his shoulder. One was wearing bright red lingerie with black lace, and had little red horns and a tail. The other was in white, and it wore an angel's gown, complete with halo and wings. Devil Jack laughed at Angel Jack.  
  
"Dude!" he said. "You're wearing a dress!"  
  
Angel Jack sighed. "It's a gown. All angels wear gowns. Besides, you're wearing lingerie."  
  
Devil Jack ignored this, and zapped Angel Jack's hair, causing it to become curly and resemble Elvis's do.  
  
"Look!" shouted Devil Jack. "It's Little Richard, without the makeup!" He started laughing.  
  
Suddenly, Little Richard appeared on the shoulder next to Angel Jack. Devil Jack stopped laughing.  
  
"Little Richard doesn't like you!" shrieked the man in that high-pitched voice of his. "Little Richard's gonna make you girly!" With that, Little Richard zapped Devil Jack. The horns and tail disappeared, and the lingerie was replaced with a pink dress with floral print.  
  
"AHHHH!" screamed Devil Jack, and phased out, going back to wherever the little conscience people go.  
  
"Little Richard gon teach you a lesson!" shouted the man, and chased after him into conscience land.  
  
"I guess that means I won," said Angel Jack. Just then, a mini Ozzy Osbourne appeared, grinning evilly at Angel Jack.  
  
"Hey!" screamed the angel. "You're not a conscience person!" Ozzy zapped him, turning him into a bat with Jack's head.  
  
"Nooooo!" screamed Bat Jack. Ozzy cut off his screams as he bit off the head.  
  
"Mmm," said Ozzy. "Tastes like chicken. Now, go get a hand job, Jack." Ozzy phased out.  
  
"Ok!" said Jack to Setsuna. Bob smiled.  
  
"Bob like porn," he said, and watched the little scene which will not be described because ff.net removed the NC-17 ratings. 


	8. And so, another anticlimactic anding

"Bob like!" exclaimed the harvest sprite after Setsuna showed off her talents as a whore. "Bob turn!"  
  
Setsuna shook her head. "Sorry, Bob," she said. "I have business elsewhere....the mayor calls."  
  
Bob stared at her in shock. "Pale-slut can get around Rednose-man's belly?"  
  
Setsuna nodded proudly. "Yep. I am unnaturally skinny, after all. The fat's actually very cushioning."  
  
Bob shuddered. "Bob no want know that," he said. "Bob now have nightmares for long time."  
  
Setsuna cocked her head for a minute. "What's up?" asked Jack, who was feeling somewhat left out.  
  
"The mayor wanted me to tell everyone something," she replied.  
  
"That fat be cushioning?" asked Bob.  
  
Setsuna laughed. "Not that," she said. Then a little light bulb flashed above her head. "Sorry," she said. She reached over her head and switched the light off.  
  
"Pale-slut remember?" asked Bob.  
  
Setsuna nodded. "He wanted everyone to go to the town square for a meeting."  
  
Jack raised an eyebrow. "Is the meeting about how cushioning his fat is?"  
  
Setsuna shook her head, sighing. "No, you dumbass," she said. "It's for something else."  
  
"Let's go!" said Jack, and started down the hill. Setsuna and Bob stayed behind for a moment.  
  
"Pale-slut does know that Farmer-man want long term relationship now, right?" asked Bob.  
  
Setsuna looked at him in horror. "I don't like hearing those words in the same sentence."  
  
The Harvest Sprite grinned evilly. "Welcome to hell."  
  
When Setsuna and Bob got to the square a few minutes after Jack, they were amazed. The entire town had gathered together for the mayor's meeting. It was almost crowded.  
  
"Attention, please!" said a voice. The voice was incredibly loud and whiny, and it seemed to be coming from somebody with a megaphone. After a bit of searching, the voice was found to be coming from the mayor. He was standing on a podium, which made him almost as tall as everyone else. The mayor continued.  
  
"Today, the mighty authoress has decided to bless us with her presence by possessing one of the village girls. Will all of the young ladies come up to the podium and sip the ceremonial wine?"  
  
Karen, Ann, Maria, Elli, Popuri, May, and Setsuna stood up. Ann had earlier been forced to wear clothing, as it would be unseemly for her to run around naked in front of everyone and not just in her own barn. She mooed in protest at the constriction of her...teats...but her father made her wear the clothes anyway.  
  
The mayor looked them over. "May," he said, "sit down. There's no such thing as a prepubescent lady."  
  
May sat down reluctantly, and Kent pointed at her and laughed.  
  
"You ain't got no boobies!" he cried in a singsong voice.  
  
May gave him an icy glare. "And when I'm through with you," she replied, "you won't have anything left to fondle at night."  
  
Everyone laughed, and Kent blushed and sat. Stu slapped May a high five.  
  
"Anyway," shouted the mayor. He was a little irritated at the interruption. "Setsuna, you can sit down as well."  
  
The girl's jaw dropped. "Why me?" she asked.  
  
"The mighty authoress wishes to posses someone with morals. You don't have any. Sit down."  
  
Setsuna scowled. "All right, but you're not gettin' any tonight."  
  
It was the mayor's turn to drop his jaw in shock. "But Snookums-"  
  
"Don't you 'Snookums' me," snapped Setsuna. "'Snookums' has morals, and apparently I don't." She sat down, smiling.  
  
The mayor glanced warily at his wife, who seemed to be mouthing something akin to "gas station" while making little scissors with her fingers. The mayor gulped and continued his speech. "Let the possession begin!"  
  
The five girls stood up in a row near the podium, taking turns sipping the ceremonial wine. Ann had to be served a portion of the wine in a bowl, which she lapped up happily. Karen got the bottle last when it was half- full of the liquor, and the lush polished off the rest of it. The girls stood still for a moment, staring at the floor nervously.  
  
Suddenly, Ann started to shake. "Mooooo!" she cried, falling on her side.  
  
Then, as quickly as it started, Ann's shaking stopped, and she stood up on her hind legs.  
  
"Hey there," she said. Everyone's eyes widened. Ann laughed at their surprise. "Um, guys? It's the authoress...I just possessed Ann!"  
  
The people laughed. "Oh," they said in unison.  
  
The authoress smiled. Suddenly, Popuri grabbed at her chest and fell to the ground.  
  
"What's happening?" cried Jack, feeling extremely left out in this chapter.  
  
"Looks like she's being possessed," replied the authoress (in Ann's body).  
  
Popuri got up. "Are you ok?" asked Jack.  
  
Popuri's eyes flared red and she smiled at Jack, showing long, pointy teeth. "Praise Lucifer!" she cried in an unnaturally deep voice, her head spinning in circles on her neck.  
  
Jack let out a sigh of relief. "She's all right!" he cried out to the crowd.  
  
Popuri stopped spinning her head and cocked it at Jack. "Dude," she said, "I'm like, possessed. Like, Popuri so can't do the freaky deep voice thing and spin her head around."  
  
Jack looked surprised. "Really?" he asked. "She always reminded me of demon spawn...I guess I thought that was a little commonplace."  
  
Popuri did a very blonde-ish pose. "What-ever," she said, making a little sign with her fingers. "Aren't you gonna like, ask me who I am?"  
  
Jack raised an eyebrow. "Couldn't you just tell us?" Popuri thought for a moment, twirling a strand of hair. Then she smiled.  
  
"Like, I guess so! I'm Jessifer, the author's alter ego. It sounds a lot like Lucifer, right? He's my boyfriend. It's like, so cool to have him as a boyfriend. Nika over there hasn't had a boyfriend since third grade."  
  
Ann's body blushed furiously. "Hey!" she cried, smacking Popuri's body across the face. "You're not even real!"  
  
Jessifer laughed. "What am I then, like, your imaginary friend?"  
  
The authoress looked at the ground. "No, that was Minnie," she said. "And she disappeared when I was nine."  
  
Jessifer laughed again. "Suuure she did," the demon spawn replied.  
  
Nika grew angry, and she started to throw a temper tantrum. "She did too disappear, you fucker!" She then started crying.  
  
Jessifer laughed evilly. "Like, someone's got PMS," The authoress curled up in a little ball and cried some more. Her alter ego shook her head.  
  
"You can't be the authoress if you're PMSing," she said. Jessifer picked up the authoress and threw her into the sky, where she disappeared.  
  
"Where's Ann?" cried Jack, who seemed to be the only one who remembered that little detail.  
  
"Oops," said Jessifer. She pointed her finger at the floor, and Ann appeared. Jessifer clapped her hands together.  
  
"That should do it," she said. "Now that the Nika's gone, I'm the authoress! MWAHAHAHA!"  
  
Popuri's eyes grew unfocused, and then returned to their normal redness. "I'm not possessed anymore!" she cried, smiling. Then she frowned.  
  
"I was possessed by the devil's girlfriend! I missed my opportunity to take over Hell! Or at least the one in Minnesota! No, my lady! Come back! TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!" Popuri collapsed on the floor, sobbing.  
  
Something stepped on Jack's foot. He looked down. There he saw a yellow duck. He raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Help!" screamed Karen. Jack looked up. There was another duck sitting on her head, seemingly doing the Macarena. A few more ducks landed in the square.  
  
"Ducks?" Jack asked.  
  
"Look, Farmer-man!" cried Bob from somewhere below him. He was sitting on top of a duck that was adorned with some tiny reins. "Bob get good ride! Her name Darlene, and she free tonight!" More ducks flanked Darlene. "They like Bob, Farmer-man!" called the sprite. "Bob get lots tonight!" The flock walked off.  
  
A duck landed on Jack's shoulder. He looked at it, and wondered if he could talk to ducks like Bob could. "Hey," he said to the duck. "I'm Jack. What's up?"  
  
The duck opened its beak in reply. Just as Jack was about to laugh in triumph, the duck bit him on the nose. He started to run around in pain- crazed circles. He ran into something hard, and fell down. Jack looked up to se what he had crashed into, and saw a short, lanky boy with red hair, freckles, and huge thick glasses.  
  
"Hi!" said the boy. "I'm Chuck!" Jack wasn't in a good mood, and the boy had an extremely annoying voice. He grabbed the duck attached to his nose and held it at arm's length.  
  
"Suck duck, Chuck," he said, and shoved the duck in the boy's mouth. The duck bit his esophagus, causing the boy to run around in pain-crazed circles like Jack had done. Jack laughed.  
  
Suddenly, it began to rain. The town square's exits were stopped up with ducks, and the area quickly flooded. Jack grabbed onto Chuck and used him as a flotation device.  
  
"Hey!" exclaimed Chuck, who had somehow managed to detach the duck from his esophagus. "I have feelings too!" Jack ignored this and sat on him.  
  
He looked at the scene around him. Everyone was grabbing onto one another and trying to stay on top of the water. Popuri was standing on top of a wall, raising a banana over her head.  
  
"Arise, creatures of the underworld!" she cried. "Take revenge on the children who bought packets of your young in toy stores and then forgot to feed them! Attack those who then flushed your children down the toilet, giving them the same sorry fate you had! The time for vengeance is now! Arise! ARISE!"  
  
The water in the middle of the square began to swirl and glow red. A huge, elephant-sized creature jumped out of the center, followed by man-sized versions of itself. The creature was transparent, and looked kind of like a tadpole with legs. Then Jack realized what it was. The creature was a sea monkey, magnified at least a thousand times.  
  
"%@^&@$)_(&%!" cried the giant sea monkey in its native language.  
  
Setsuna could be heard laughing. "Now that's a monster after my own heart!" she said. "Corrupt minds! BWA HA HA HA HA!"  
  
Everyone turned to stare at her. "What?" she asked. "I need to get revenge against all children since that little kid jumped me at school and forced me to give her a piggy-back ride, and I lost my balance and fell flat on my face, making everyone laugh at me."  
  
Everyone just raised their eyebrows. "Ok, ok," said the town whore. "Just carry on with the damn story already."  
  
The sea monkeys started ruthlessly mauling the villagers, breaking their noses and ripping their clothes to shreds. This was a horrible tragedy, as they only had one outfit apiece.  
  
"Somebody needs to pull the plug!" screamed the mayor, who had at least three sea monkeys sinking in the fat of his stomach.  
  
"What plug?" cried a random villager.  
  
"The one at the center of the square!" the mayor replied. "You know, the one that drains the place when people spill their booze all over during the New Year's festival."  
  
"Oh!" said the random villager. "I wondered where it all went!"  
  
"Now you know," replied the mayor. "We need someone small and useless to the plot of the game to pull the plug."  
  
Kent, Stu, and May, who were trying to use each other to stay afloat while being molested by a sea monkey, exchanged looks. Kent, being the biggest, definitely had the advantage here.  
  
"Bye, you flat bitch!" he cried, reaching for them. Stu and May were confused as to which one of them he meant. But even Kent wasn't so cruel as to attempt to murder his little brother, so May was the one going under.  
  
Unfortunately (for her), May couldn't swim. She sank like a stone and hit the bottom.  
  
'Great,' she thought, 'I'm going to die. I'll never finish learning to read, I'll never get a nicer looking dress, I'll never be in love, I'll never grow boobs, I'll never get laid, and I'll never find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. This sucks ass. I want to kick something.'  
  
And so she did. May aimed for the interesting rubber rock that happened to be nearby. It floated away, leaving a hole in the square. All of the water rushed through it, carrying quite a few of the ducks and man-sized sea monkeys with it and somehow managing to keep May alive and well outside of the hole.  
  
"Yay!" cried the villagers. "May saved the day!"  
  
"Hey!" said May. "I hate cliché. No more, ok?"  
  
"Cliché?" said they. "No way! Now we must convey you away to have a par-tay and be gay!"  
  
"Oy vey!" said May. She ran away.  
  
Popuri stopped her. "I'll get you, my pretty!" she cried. "And your little dog, too!"  
  
May cocked her head. "I don't have a dog," she said.  
  
Popuri huffed. "Whatever." She flew away to the west on her broomstick with the remnants of her sea monkey hoard.  
  
"That was a really horrible paragraph," said Jack. "The author is really losing her touch."  
  
Setsuna raised an eyebrow. "Isn't the current author her evil side?"  
  
Jack thought for a moment. "This is true," he said. "I forgot about that."  
  
Setsuna looked up. "What's that?" she asked.  
  
"What's what?" replied Jack. "That thing up in the sky," replied Setsuna. Jack thought. "Looks like a white unicorn with fluffy rainbow wings that's about to attack Flowerbud. More than one, actually."  
  
The whore's eyes widened. "Wow!" she exclaimed. "You've got some great vision!"  
  
Jack smiled and shook his head. "No I don't," he replied. "It looks like a big black dot to me too. But if you look four lines below this one, you can see the author's plot list. You know, the place where she writes what's going to happen in the chapter."  
  
"Oh," said Setsuna. "I get it. Well, according to that little reference list, we should counterattack with plywood from your shed."  
  
Jack looked at the small list of things left to write about in the chapter. "That isn't what it says," he said, puzzled.  
  
"It's one of those things where you have to read between the lines," replied Setsuna.  
  
Jack climbed down and looked between the lines. "I still don't see the part where we should use plywood in self defense."  
  
Setsuna smacked him. "You're such a dumbass," she said. "It's not actually written between the lines. That's just a fucking saying. It's the thing we have to do so that the story will lead to the next thing on the list."  
  
"Oh," said Jack. "I don't really see the purpose of it. Apparently, the plywood is-" Jack was interrupted by Setsuna, who efficiently erased all memory of the next two plot points by injecting him with some foreign drug.  
  
"Let's go to my farm and get some plywood to defend ourselves with!" cried Jack.  
  
"Right behind you," she replied.  
  
Setsuna let Jack walk out of hearing range before turning to the authoress, who was hiding in the bushes nearby.  
  
"Thanks," said Nika.  
  
"No problem," replied Setsuna. "When will you end this damn chapter?"  
  
The authoress thought for a moment. "Maybe after the next couple of plot points. The story will be over with this chapter, you know."  
  
"WHAT?" exclaimed Setsuna. "That's so fucking cheap! You'll just...end it?"  
  
The authoress nodded. "I don't see why you're so upset. I told you how I was going to end it already."  
  
"So?" Setsuna said. "You're such a bitch!"  
  
Before the slut could storm off, Nika thought of a great way to keep her there a bit longer. "I have pretzels!"  
  
Setsuna smiled. "Food!" she cried. She grabbed the pretzels and ran away, munching them as she went. The authoress shook her head. 'I wonder how she manages to stay a size zero when she steals my junk food every day. Whatever.'  
  
Jack was waiting at his farm next to his woodshed when Setsuna finally arrived. "I've got some bad news," he said. "All my plywood is infested with yams."  
  
"Really?" asked Setsuna, acting surprised for the hell of it. "How did that happen?"  
  
Jack shrugged. "Maybe because I tried to genetically splice some veggies in there."  
  
Setsuna lifted and eyebrow. "Ok then..."  
  
Jack suddenly screamed. "The British are coming! The British are coming!"  
  
Setsuna looked around. "Where?" she asked. "I hear they have really hot guys over there."  
  
Jack blinked. "Sorry," he said. "I got carried away in the moment. I really meant to say-"  
  
A white unicorn with fluffy rainbow wings swooped down and picked him up. "- the unicorns are here," he finished.  
  
"Jack!" cried Setsuna. "NO!!!!" She started running after the unicorn, which seemed to be going to the top of the mountain.  
  
"I can't lose you!" she exclaimed. "You're the only other person beside Vern Troyer that could use your...thing...as a kickstand!"  
  
Jack looked down. "I really could use it as a kickstand, couldn't I?" he said. "Cool!"  
  
By this time, the two humans and the white unicorn with fluffy rainbow wings had reached the cliff at the top of the mountain. Just as the monster was about to fly away with its prey, it ran into a tree, fell off the cliff, and died. Jack fell too, but Setsuna grasped his hand at the edge of the cliff. Unfortunately, Setsuna weighed about 88 pounds, and Jack weighed about one hundred pounds more. Their grips started to loosen.  
  
"Setsuna!" cried Jack. "Let go! You'll pull a muscle in your arm and ruin some perfectly good hand jobs!"  
  
Setsuna shook her head. "I'd rather miss out on a few meetings with the mayor than get rid of the owner of that kickstand of yours. Seriously, you're 6'2 and have long legs! That's way too good to get rid of. I'll never let go, Jack!"  
  
With that last sentence being spoken, Jack lost it. "Fucking sappy quotes," he said, laughing. He laughed so hard that he lost his grip, and fell hundreds of feet downwards.  
  
"NOOO!!!!" cried Setsuna. 


	9. And so, I wrote an epilogue

Epilogue  
  
***  
  
Jack's fall was cushioned by the fluffiness of the white unicorn's rainbow wings. An annoying little teddy bear appeared out of nowhere with a box of laundry detergent and pointed to the wings.  
  
"Now that's Snuggly-soft!" said the bear. Setsuna, who had decided to jump to her death in a Shakespeare-esque ending rather than lose her dear kicksta-I mean, of course, Jack, fell on top of the little bear, whose stuffing flew out in all directions. Everyone cheered, even the dead unicorn.  
  
"Marry me, Setsuna!" said Jack.  
  
"Why?" she asked.  
  
"Because the author promised her friend that we'd get married, and she needs an impromptu way to get us hitched."  
  
Setsuna shrugged. "Ok," she said.  
  
The two got married and had seventeen children, all of which Setsuna sent away to military school in Iraq so that they could defeat all idiotic southern presidents that the US might have. The children ended up destroying Bush and returning Clinton to his former position. They figured that an adulterer that could lead a country would be better than an idiot that could only declare war on countries with wanted materials and say/do idiotic things such as proposing to make another emergency line (119) for dyslexic people, not fully understanding the disease. Dumbass. Bill Clinton advised the authoress to get back to her story, and so she did.  
  
Jessifer was sentenced to only come out once a month like she usually did, causing Popuri and her sea monkeys of the West great anguish. The authoress was arrested for stealing material from The Wizard of Oz. She was bailed out by her pet chinchilla, Frank.  
  
Kent was lost in the mayor's fat, much to the dismay of Playboy magazine, who lost a regular customer.  
  
Karen joined Alcoholics Anonymous. To avoid further temptation from her family's vineyard, she joined a secluded little convent in the southern part of France. The authoress was again arrested for using material from Cabaret. Her only words were "Don't tell mama." The police decided to forbid her from continuing this epilogue, as it's getting rather boring, and the authoress keeps stealing material from movies and/or plays.  
  
Her parting words: "Goodbye, goodbye! I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow!" 


End file.
